One-liner Philosophy

• A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
• Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
• Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along
• Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work
• If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can
• If a man's "Captain of his ship", his wife's likely the Admiral
• If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it?
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
• Maybe he/she doesn't "act stupid"; it might be the real thing
• Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• My mind not only wanders; sometimes, it leaves completely.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
• One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
• People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
• The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• There are still "incurable romantics" -- we need better antibiotics
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• These days, an "underprivileged kid" only has one set of parents
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
• Today is the last day of your life, so far.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• Women like silent men -- they think they're listening.
• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.